A Guy Comes Home Completely Drunk One Night
A guy comes home completely drunk after visiting the Golden Saloon A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy. “Where the heck have you
been all night?” she demands. “At this new bar,” he says. “The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It’s received huge golden doors, a golden floor and even the
urinal’s gold!” The wife still doesn’t believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband’s story. “Is this the Golden
Saloon?” she asks when the bartender answers the phone. “Yes it is,” the bartender answers. “Do you have huge golden doors?” “Sure do,” he replies. “Do you have golden floors?” the wife asks.
“Most certainly do,” he assures her. “What about golden urinals?” she queried skeptically. There’s a long pause, then the lady hears the bartender yelling,… “Hey, Duke, I think I received a lead
on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!”
The Big Game Hunter
A famous wildlife photographer entered a lodge and boasted that he could identify any animal from a tiny patch of imitation fur while blindfolded. The guests offered him a friendly challenge.
He correctly identified a bear costume, a deer rug, a rabbit puppet, and a synthetic leopard-print cushion. With every answer, his confidence grew and the applause became louder.
For the final test, someone placed an unknown material beneath his fingers. He examined its texture, smelled it carefully, and announced, “An extremely rare mountain animal.”
The room exploded with laughter. He removed the blindfold and discovered that he had been holding the caretaker’s old winter glove.
The next morning he had a headache, a bruised reputation, and one question: “Which mountain animal wears a name tag?”
The incident became a favorite local story. Each retelling grew slightly longer, although the same unexpected final line continued to receive the biggest laugh.
Before leaving, everyone checked the facts once more. The facts were correct; it was the interpretation that had taken a spectacularly unnecessary journey.
The people nearby needed a moment to understand the answer. When the meaning finally became clear, the quietest person laughed first and everyone else followed.
Nobody had expected the conversation to end that way. The main character calmly repeated the explanation, which only made the conclusion sound more ridiculous.
Later, the story was retold with several dramatic details, but every witness agreed that the final remark was accurate and impossible to improve.
Three Guys Talking About How Dumb Their Wives Are
Three friends were having drinks and competing over whose household made the strangest purchases.
The first said, ‘My wife wants to spend fifteen thousand dollars remodeling the kitchen, and neither of us can cook.’
The second laughed. ‘That is nothing. My wife wants a fifty-thousand-dollar car, and she has not learned to drive.’
The third shook his head. ‘My wife is more confusing than both of yours. She bought three enormous suitcases for a business trip, and she works from home.’
His friends stared at him.
He took another sip and added, ‘Then I discovered she had packed my clothes. Apparently I am the business trip.’
At The Train Station
The passenger beside me pulled out a photograph of his wife.
“She is beautiful, is she not?” he asked proudly.
I studied the picture. “If you think she is beautiful, you should meet my wife.”
He smiled. “Is your wife even more attractive?”
“No,” I replied. “She is an optometrist.”
An Elderly Man Traveling By Plane
An elderly airline passenger urgently needed a restroom, but the main one remained occupied. A flight attendant allowed him to use the crew restroom and warned him not to press any unfamiliar buttons.
Inside he found buttons labeled Water, Air, Warm, and Return. The first three produced surprisingly comfortable results.
Curious, he pressed Return.
Two attendants immediately opened the door because Return was the emergency call button.
He emerged wrapped in paper towels and asked why nobody used ordinary labels.
“We did,” said the attendant. “Return means return the crew to this door immediately.”
The incident soon became known as “The Airplane Restroom Button Summoned The Entire Crew.” Nobody changed the ending, because the original misunderstanding had already produced a better punchline than any planned joke.
A final question led to another detailed explanation. By then, everyone connected with “The Airplane Restroom Button Summoned The Entire Crew” agreed that clearer instructions would have prevented the problem and spoiled the story.
The next retelling of “The Airplane Restroom Button Summoned The Entire Crew” included witnesses, receipts, and an unnecessary diagram. None of them improved the logic, although the diagram received its own round of laughter.
Before leaving, the central character repeated the conclusion from “The Airplane Restroom Button Summoned The Entire Crew.” Hearing it twice did not make it more sensible, but it helped everyone appreciate how confidently it had been delivered.
The Big Barbeque And Butt
A husband and wife were working in the garden when he looked at her large wheelbarrow and began teasing.
‘That cart is enormous,’ he said. ‘I bet it is wider than the barbecue.’
He fetched a measuring tape, measured the grill, and then measured the wheelbarrow.
‘I was right. Your cart is two inches wider than the barbecue.’
His wife ignored him and continued moving soil.
That evening, the husband asked whether she would light the barbecue for one small sausage he wanted for supper.
She looked at the grill, then at the wheelbarrow he had mocked all afternoon.
‘Do you really think I am firing up that enormous grill for one tiny sausage?’
The husband opened the refrigerator. ‘A sandwich will be fine.’
She handed him the measuring tape. ‘Make sure the bread is not wider than the plate.’
80 Year Old Lady Goes For A Birthday Drink
An eighty-year-old woman entered the bar on a cruise ship and ordered a Scotch with exactly two drops of water.
‘Today is my birthday,’ she told the bartender.
‘Then this drink is on me,’ he said.
After she finished, a passenger on her right offered to buy another. ‘Thank you,’ the woman said. ‘Scotch with two drops of water.’
When that glass was empty, a man on her left made the same offer. Again she ordered Scotch with precisely two drops of water.
By the third drink, the bartender could no longer contain his curiosity. ‘Ma’am, why only two drops?’
She smiled. ‘At my age, I have learned how to hold my liquor.’
The bartender waited for the explanation.
She pointed toward the crowded dance floor. ‘But if you add any more water, I will spend the rest of my birthday looking for the nearest restroom instead of celebrating.’
The bartender quietly returned the water jug to the shelf.
A Priest On A Plane
A extremely distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland. She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she inquired: “Excuse me Father, could I ask a favor?” “Of course my child, What can I do for you?” “Here is
the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated hair remover gadget for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs.
Do you think you could hide it under your cassock?” Advertisement “Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I can not lie.” “You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask you any questions”, and she gave
him the ‘hair remover’. The aircraft arrived at its destination. When the priest presented himself to customs he was inquired, “Father, do you have anything to declare?”
“From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son”,he answered. Finding this reply strange, the customs officer inquired, “And from the sash down, what do you have?” The priest answered, “I have there a
marvelous little instrument designed for use by women, but which has never been used.” Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer remarked, “Go ahead Father. Next!”
Doctor Doctor My Girlfriend is Pregnant
A gardener complained that a section of lawn was wet even though his hose had never been turned on. The supervisor told a story about a groundskeeper who carried an umbrella instead of a watering can. When the plants became wet anyway, the owner claimed the umbrella had watered them.
“That makes no sense,” said the gardener. “Someone else must have used a hose.”
The supervisor nodded. “Exactly. Now you understand why the automatic sprinklers appear on yesterday’s security recording.”
The gardener checked the timer before blaming the weather again.
New Age g4y Baby
Two exhausted new fathers rushed to the hospital nursery to meet their baby. Eleven newborns were crying loudly, but one child in the corner was smiling peacefully.
A nurse pointed to the quiet baby. “That one’s yours.”
The fathers beamed. “Look at that! Every other baby is shouting, but ours is completely calm. We must be natural parents.”
The nurse checked her watch.
“Enjoy the next ten seconds,” she said.
“Why?”
She reached behind the crib.
The situation was awkward enough already, but everyone decided to hear the explanation to the end. That small decision gave the confusion plenty of room to become even more ridiculous.
“Because I haven’t plugged his toy microphone back in yet.”
The Onion Mix-Up Produced A Very Strange Medical Follow-Up
During a minor procedure, a surgeon accidentally placed an onion-shaped stress ball in the tray with the medical equipment. The patient noticed it and became convinced the doctor had used it during the operation.
Weeks later, he returned with unusual complaints.
“I cry whenever someone starts cooking,” he said. “My dog follows me around the kitchen, and every morning I wake up craving soup.”
The doctor opened the equipment cupboard and found the missing stress ball still sealed in its package.
“Nothing involving an onion happened during your procedure,” she assured him.
The patient looked relieved. “Then why do I keep crying?”
The doctor pointed to his hospital bill. “Most patients begin when they reach the total.”
The Farmer Found His Donkey After A Forest Misunderstanding
A farmer searched the forest for his missing donkey and climbed a tree to rest overnight. Before long, he heard two hikers beneath him discussing directions.
One claimed that moss always grew on the north side of trees. The other insisted that the stars were more reliable. They argued until one pointed upward and noticed the farmer.
“Which way leads back to the village?” they asked.
The farmer admitted that he was lost too.
At that moment, his donkey appeared, walking confidently along a path toward home.
All three followed it out of the forest.
The farmer later told everyone he had found the donkey. The hikers told everyone the donkey had found three adults.
A final question produced another long explanation. By then, everyone connected with “The Farmer Found His Donkey After A Forest Misunderstanding” understood that ordinary logic had stopped helping several minutes earlier.
Three Christmas Visitors Presented Symbols At Heaven’s Gate
Three travelers arrived at heaven’s gate on Christmas Eve. The gatekeeper asked each to present something symbolizing the season.
The first shook a set of keys and called them sleigh bells. The second lit a small torch and called it a candle. Both were admitted.
The third produced a pair of spectacles.
“How do those represent Christmas?” the gatekeeper asked.
“They are Carol’s,” the traveler replied.
The gatekeeper groaned at the wordplay but opened the gate. “You may enter, but Carol will want those back.”
The traveler promised that next year he would bring something easier to explain, perhaps Holly’s notebook or Noel’s umbrella.
Before leaving, the witnesses discussed what lesson could be taken from “Three Christmas Visitors Presented Symbols At Heaven’s Gate.” The only agreement was that better instructions would have prevented the problem and ruined an excellent story.
The Millionaire’s Perfect Life Had One Missing Detail
An old fellow is sitting on a park bench crying his eyes out. A young jogger comes by and asks him what is the matter.
The old fellow says, “I’m a multimillionare, I have a great big house, the fastest car in the world and I just married a
beautiful blonde bombshell who satisfies me every night in bed whether I like it or not (sob).” The young jogger says, “fellow, you have everything I have ever dreamed for in
my life. What could be so wrong in your life that you are sitting here in the park crying?” The old fellow says, “I
can’t remember where I live.”
The Husband’s Compliment Required Immediate Repair
A woman studied herself in the bedroom mirror and complained that she looked tired and old. She asked her husband for a compliment.
He considered the request carefully.
“Your eyesight is excellent,” he said.
She turned slowly from the mirror.
He immediately added that her smile was wonderful, her dress looked elegant, and he had just remembered an urgent appointment in the garden.
The compliment did not improve, but his running speed became extremely impressive.
Johnny Learned Why Pointing At Strangers Was Rude
Johnny pointed at a bowlegged stranger in the shopping center and laughed. His mother was embarrassed and told him to read a book about respect and differences.
The following week they saw the same man. Johnny approached politely and said he had learned not to judge people by appearance.
The man thanked him and explained that years of riding horses had shaped his legs.
Johnny nodded. “The book said everyone has a story.”
Then he asked whether the horse had read it too.
His mother bought a second book about knowing when a lesson was finished.
The next retelling of “Johnny Learned Why Pointing At Strangers Was Rude” included receipts and an unnecessary diagram. The diagram clarified nothing, but it received almost as much laughter as the original ending.
The Country-And-Bird Game Ended With A Geography Lesson
A wife invented a game: when she named a country, her husband should touch the left wall; when she named a bird, he should touch the right.
She began with France, then eagle, then Brazil, then sparrow. He ran back and forth successfully.
Finally she called, “Turkey!”
He stopped in the middle of the room.
“Country or bird?” he asked.
“Both.”
He touched both walls at once by lying across the floor.
She declared him the winner and added “ambiguous geography” to the list of banned categories.
The next retelling of “The Country-And-Bird Game Ended With A Geography Lesson” included receipts and an unnecessary diagram. The diagram clarified nothing, but it received almost as much laughter as the ending.
The Casino Player’s Lucky Coat Covered The Dice
A casino player placed a large bet and announced that she always rolled dice while wearing her lucky coat. She removed the coat, folded it carefully, and rolled.
The dice produced a winning number.
The dealers stared at the coat.
“Is it truly lucky?” one asked.
“No,” she replied. “The pockets are torn, and I did not want the dice to fall inside.”
She collected the winnings, repaired the pockets, and lost the next roll immediately.
The next retelling of “The Casino Player’s Lucky Coat Covered The Dice” included receipts and an unnecessary diagram. The diagram clarified nothing, but it received almost as much laughter as the ending.
The Golfing Frog Predicted Every Shot Correctly
A fellow takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, “Ribbit. 9- Iron”. The fellow looks around and doesn’t see anyone. “Ribbit. 9-Iron.” He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong.
He puts his other club away, and grabs a 9-iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked! He says to the frog, “Wow that’s amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?” The frog replies “Ribbit.
Lucky frog.” The fellow decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. “What do you think frog?” the fellow asks. “Ribbit. 3-wood.” The guy takes out a 3-wood, and boom! A hole in one. The fellow is befuddled and doesn’t know what to say.
By the end of the day, the fellow has golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, “OK where to next?” The frog replies, “Ribbit. Las Vegas.” They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, “OK frog, now what?” The frog says, “Ribbit. Roulette.” Upon approaching the roulette table, the fellow asks, “What do you think I should bet?” The frog replies, “Ribbit. $3000,black 6.” Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the fellow figures what the heck.
Boom – tons of cash come sliding back across the table. The fellow takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, “Frog, I don’t know how to repay you. You’ve won me all this money and I am forever grateful.” The frog replies, “Ribbit, Kiss Me.” He figures, Why not? After all the frog did for him, it is a small price to pay.
With the kiss, however, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. “And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room.”
The Theater Guest Had Fallen From The Balcony
A fellow lays sprawled across three entire seats at a posh theater. Before the show has even started, an usher walks by and notices the fellow. “Sir, you’re only allowed one seat, can you please sit up?
“The fellow groans, but remains seated. The Usher becoming impatient with the fellow, “sir, if you don’t get up, I will need to get my manager involved”
Again the fellow just groans, which infuriates the Usher as he marches off to get the manager. In a few moments he returns with the manager and they both repeatedly attempt to move him, but with no success. It was at this point that the manager calls the police.
Moments later, a police officer arrives and approaches the fellow, “alright buddy, what’s your name?” “Sam” the fellow moans.
“And where ya from Sam? “With pain in his voice Sam answered, “the balcony”.
Freddie The Falcon Misread Mary’s Delay
Freddie the falcon waited at the nest for Mary, who returned late with ruffled feathers. He immediately assumed another bird had caused the delay.
Mary explained that she had been trapped in a photographer’s net and released by a conservation worker.
Freddie remained suspicious until the worker arrived with a tracking tag and photographs.
Mary stared at him. “Did you really think I preferred a pigeon?”
Freddie apologized and spent the evening rebuilding the nest instead of inventing aerial drama.
The next retelling of “Freddie The Falcon Misread Mary’s Delay” included receipts and an unnecessary diagram. The diagram clarified nothing, but it received almost as much laughter as the ending.
Before leaving, the central character repeated the conclusion from “Freddie The Falcon Misread Mary’s Delay.” Hearing it twice did not make it sensible, but it made the confidence behind it funnier.
The witnesses later reconstructed “Freddie The Falcon Misread Mary’s Delay” from the beginning. Every fact survived, but the explanation became less believable each time it was repeated.
The incident became known as “Freddie The Falcon Misread Mary’s Delay.” Clearer instructions might have prevented it, although everyone agreed that clear instructions would also have removed the best joke.
A final question produced another long answer. By then, everyone involved in “Freddie The Falcon Misread Mary’s Delay” had accepted that ordinary logic was no longer responsible for the result.
The Fiancé’s Sister Left A Bracelet Beside The Test
A man preparing for marriage worried that his fiancée’s younger sister was testing his loyalty. She invited him over, left an expensive bracelet beside him, and walked upstairs.
He immediately hurried outside.
His fiancée and her parents waited near his car and applauded. They explained that he had passed the family test by leaving.
He smiled nervously.
Nobody knew he had actually gone outside to retrieve his phone, which he had left recording the entire conversation.
The father decided preparation also counted as loyalty.
The next retelling of “The Fiancé’s Sister Left A Bracelet Beside The Test” included receipts and an unnecessary diagram. The diagram clarified nothing, but it received almost as much laughter as the ending.
Before leaving, the central character repeated the conclusion from “The Fiancé’s Sister Left A Bracelet Beside The Test.” Hearing it twice did not make it sensible, but it made the confidence behind it funnier.
The witnesses later reconstructed “The Fiancé’s Sister Left A Bracelet Beside The Test” from the beginning. Every fact survived, but the explanation became less believable each time it was repeated.
The incident became known as “The Fiancé’s Sister Left A Bracelet Beside The Test.” Clearer instructions might have prevented it, although everyone agreed that clear instructions would also have removed the best joke.
The Bank Manager Apologized For The Teller’s Language
An angry customer entered a bank and used rude language while asking to open an account. The teller warned him to speak respectfully.
The branch manager approached and asked what was wrong.
The customer explained that he had won a large lottery prize and was nervous.
The manager smiled. “In that case, we can help. But the language fee is one apology.”
The customer apologized, opened the account, and discovered that good manners earned better service than a large balance.
The next retelling of “The Bank Manager Apologized For The Teller’s Language” included receipts and an unnecessary diagram. The diagram clarified nothing, but it received almost as much laughter as the ending.
Before leaving, the central character repeated the conclusion from “The Bank Manager Apologized For The Teller’s Language.” Hearing it twice did not make it sensible, but it made the confidence behind it funnier.
The Bear Photographers Used A Camera Instead Of Rifles
Two friends visited a wildlife reserve hoping to photograph a bear. One waited in the cabin while the other followed the marked trail.
The photographer startled a bear with a flash and ran back toward the cabin.
“Open the door!” he shouted.
His friend opened it, but the photographer ran past.
“Where are you going?”
“You wanted a close photograph,” he called. “The bear is right behind me.”
The friend used the zoom lens and locked the door after both humans were safely inside.
The next retelling of “The Bear Photographers Used A Camera Instead Of Rifles” included receipts and an unnecessary diagram. The diagram clarified nothing, but it received almost as much laughter as the ending.
The Doctor Asked Why Anyone Wanted To Live To One Hundred
A fellow inquired his doctor if he thought he’d live to be a hundred.
The doctor inquired the fellow, “Do you smoke or drink?” “No,” he answered, “I’ve never done
either.” “Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women?
” inquired the doctor. “No, I’ve
never done any of those things either.” “Well then,” remarked the doctor, “what do you want to live to be a hundred
for?
The Speakerphone Conversation Purchased A New Car
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. When a cell phone on a bench rings, a fellow engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk…. fellow: “Hello” lady: “Honey, it’s me.
Are you at the club?” fellow: “Yes.” lady: I am at the mall and found a beautiful leather coat. It’s $1,000. Can I buy it?” fellow: “OK, go
ahead if you like it that much.” lady: I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2002 models. I saw one I really liked.” fellow: How much?” lady: $60,000. fellow: “For that price I want it with all the options.” lady:
“Great! One more thing. … The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They’re only asking $450,000.” fellow: “Well, then go ahead and buy it but just offer
$420,000.” lady: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you!” fellow: “Bye, I love you too.” The fellow hangs up. The other men are looking at him in astonishment Then he
asks: “Anyone know who this phone belongs to?”
One Very Expensive Fish Saved The Vacation Budget
Two Virnia rednecks go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment – the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods.
I mean they spend a fortune! The first day they go fishing, but they don’t catch anything.
The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men
catches a fish. As they’re driving home they’re really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, “Do you
realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?” The other guy says, “Wow! Then it’s a good thing we didn’t catch any more!”
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a
large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray, “Take only one.
God is watching.” Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
One child whispered to another, “Take all you want. God is watching
the apple
The Husband Tested The Wrong Person’s Hearing
A fellow is talking to the family doctor, “Doc, I think my wife’s going deaf.” The doctor answers, “Well, here’s something you can try on her to test her hearing.
Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn’t answer, move a little closer and ask again.
Keep repeating this until she answers. Then you’ll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is.
The fellow goes home and tries it out. He walks in the door and says, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
He doesn’t hear an answer, so he moves closer to her. “Honey, what’s for dinner?” Still no answer.
He repeats this several times, until he’s standing just a few feet away from her. Finally, she answers, “For the eleventh time, I remarked we’re having MEATLOAF!”
The New Doctor Found A Surprising Cure For Hiccups
A lady visited a medical clinic with persistent hiccups. A new doctor examined her for four minutes, whispered something, and watched her run down the hallway in alarm.
An older doctor stopped her, helped her sit down, and learned what had happened. He marched into the examination room.
“Mrs Terry is sixty-three, has four grown children, and seven grandchildren,” he said. “Why did you tell her she was late for school and the head teacher was waiting?”
The new doctor continued writing on the clipboard.
“It cured the hiccups, didn’t it?”
The older doctor admitted that it had, but added a note about choosing less alarming treatments next time.
