An Old Woman Is Riding In An Elevator
An older woman entered the elevator of an elegant Manhattan apartment building.
On the next floor, a stylish young passenger stepped in wearing a powerful fragrance. She glanced at the older woman and announced, “Parisian Romance. One hundred and fifty dollars an ounce.”
Another fashionable passenger joined them two floors later. Her perfume filled the elevator before the doors had closed.
She lifted her chin and said, “Midnight No. 5. Two hundred dollars an ounce.”
The older woman said nothing. When the elevator reached her floor, she walked toward the door, paused, and allowed a suspicious little sound to escape.
Both younger passengers covered their noses.
The older woman looked back with a proud smile.
“Broccoli,” she said. “Forty-nine cents a pound.”
Doctor I Have An Embarrassing s3xual Problem
A man sat down in his doctor’s office and said, “Doctor, I have an embarrassing physical problem, but I can’t understand why it keeps happening.”
The doctor opened his notebook. “Tell me about your normal day. Every detail may be important.”
“First thing in the morning, I jog five miles. At eleven, I play tennis with my coworkers. At lunchtime, I race home and lift weights. After work, I cycle across town, play two games of basketball, walk the dog, do another workout, and stretch for nearly an hour before bed.”
The doctor looked impressed. “That is a remarkable amount of exercise. When exactly do you feel the pain?”
The patient lowered his voice. “Usually when I reach across the sofa for the television remote.”
The doctor closed the notebook. “Your body is fine. Your excuses are simply overtrained.”
“Is there a cure?”
“Yes. Stand up and change the channel by hand.”
Manager Hired A New Secretary
A manager’s new secretary noticed that his trouser zipper was open. Wanting to be discreet, she said, “Sir, your filing cabinet is not completely closed.”
He did not understand until later. Embarrassed but determined to joke about it, he called her back.
“When you noticed the cabinet open, did you see any confidential documents?”
She answered without hesitation. “No, sir. I saw one old folder resting on two dusty binders.”
The manager closed the zipper, thanked her for the warning, and decided that office metaphors should never be followed by additional questions.
The incident soon became known as “The Secretary Used A Military Metaphor For An Open Zipper.” Nobody changed the ending, because the original misunderstanding had already produced a better punchline than any planned joke.
4th Grade Boys Discuss How To Get A Girl
Five fourth-grade boys were talking during recess about the best way to catch a giant fish.
They agreed that success required the perfect fishing rod, but none of them knew what the perfect rod looked like. Jimmy stood nearby, listening quietly while the others argued about length, weight, and shiny reels.
That evening, Jimmy asked his father for expert advice.
“The boys at school say you need a perfect fishing rod to land the biggest fish,” Jimmy explained. “What makes a rod perfect?”
His father proudly brought an enormous rod from the garage. It stretched across the kitchen table and nearly touched both walls.
“This,” Dad announced, balancing it across his hands, “is the perfect fishing rod.”
The following day, the same debate began beside the playground. One boy insisted the ideal rod should be short enough for a bicycle. Another wanted one long enough to reach the opposite bank without casting.
This time Jimmy stepped forward with confidence.
“I know exactly what the perfect fishing rod looks like,” he said.
The others gathered around, eager for the secret.
Jimmy pulled a folding practice rod from his backpack, extended every section, and laid it across his palms just as his father had done.
The tip struck the fence behind him while the handle poked his best friend in the shoulder.
Jimmy studied it carefully and announced, “Three feet shorter, and this would be the perfect fishing rod.”
A Gynecologist Notices That a New Patient is Nervous
A doctor noticed that a new patient was nervous. While putting on latex gloves, he tried to distract her with a joke.
‘Do you know how these gloves are made?’
She shook her head.
‘There is a factory with a huge tank of liquid latex. Workers with many different hand sizes dip their hands into it, wait for the coating to dry, and peel off a perfect glove.’
The patient did not smile. Several moments later, however, she suddenly began laughing.
‘What is so funny?’ the doctor asked.
‘I was imagining how they make rubber boots.’
The doctor looked at her shoes. ‘Very carefully—and with much taller workers.’
A Man is in a Hotel Lobby
A man in a hotel lobby turned quickly toward the front desk and accidentally struck the suitcase of a woman standing beside him with his elbow. Both were startled by the loud bang.
He apologized immediately.
‘Madam, if your heart is softer than that suitcase, I hope you will forgive me.’
The woman inspected the dented corner and looked at his elbow.
‘And if the rest of you is as strong as that elbow,’ she replied, ‘I am in room 436.’
The man blinked.
She handed him the luggage handle. ‘The elevator is broken, and this suitcase has to reach the fourth floor.’
He smiled weakly. ‘I suppose forgiveness includes stairs.’
‘It does after the third floor,’ she said.
A Guy Gets Home Early From Work And Hears Strange Noises Coming From The Bedroom
A man arrived home early and heard strange noises from the bedroom.
He ran upstairs and found his wife lying on the bed, sweating and breathing heavily.
“What happened?” he asked.
“I think I am having a heart attack,” she cried.
He rushed downstairs for the phone. Before he could call for help, his four-year-old son appeared.
“Dad! Uncle Ted is hiding in your closet wearing a party hat!”
The man dropped the phone, raced back upstairs, and opened the wardrobe. His brother was crouched among the coats with balloons, streamers, and a birthday cake.
“What are you doing?” the husband shouted. “My wife may be having a medical emergency, and you are hiding in a closet preparing a surprise party!”
His wife sat up and sighed.
“The surprise was supposed to be for you tomorrow,” she said. “The heart attack was the only excuse I could invent before you found the cake.”
A Lady Walks Into A Dancy Jewelry Store
A lady walks into a fancy jewelry store.
She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.
As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind. extremely embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has spotted her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn’t pop up right now.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.
Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, “Good day, Madam How may we help you today?” extremely uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may not have been there at the time of her little “accident!” she asks, “Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?” He answers, “Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you’re going to st when I tell you the price.”
An Elderly Man Came Into A Shop
An elderly fellow came into a shop with a ‘Salesman Wanted’ sign in a window. He headed up to the owner & remarked, “I-I-I w-w-wanna-t the j-joooob-b.” “I don’t know if this job would suit you because of your speaking
impediment,” remarked the owner. “I h-h-havvve a w-wi-wiiiife & s-s-s-six k-kkkids, iiii-I re-really neeeed thi-thi-this j-j-job!” remarked the fellow. “O.K.
Here are three Bibles. Go out & sell them.” remarked the owner. So the fellow headed out & came back an hour later. “H-here-sss your m-m-money.” remarked the elderly fellow.
The owner was impressed, so he gave the fellow a dozen more Bibles & sent him out. The fellow came back in two hours & remarked, “Her-ers y-yooour m-m-money.” The owner remarked,
“This is fantastic. You sold more Bibles in three hours than anyone has sold in a week. Tell me, what do you say to the people when they come to the door?” “W-welllll,”
remarked the old fellow, “I r-r-ring the d-door bell, a-a-and s-s-say ‘H-Hel-Hello, M-m-maaaaddam, d-d-do you w-w- want t-t-t-to buy thi-thi-this B-B-Bible, oooor d-d-do y-you w-w-want m’me t-toooo read it t-t-t-t-to you?
Timmy Wanted To Sleep With His Parents
Little Timmy was afraid of the shadows, so he asked to sleep in his parents’ room.
His father checked under the bed and found only Mr. Wiggles, Timmy’s long green toy snake. “Nothing dangerous here,” Dad said. “Just don’t look under the covers again, or you’ll scare yourself.”
Timmy’s mother opened the closet. Inside was her gardening box, filled with gloves, seed packets, a watering can, and a bright headlamp. “This is my indoor garden equipment,” she explained. “Please don’t switch on the lamp during the night.”
Timmy climbed into a sleeping bag beside the bed. Hours later, he heard a crash and felt something slide across the floor. Forgetting every warning, he switched on the headlamp and looked under the covers.
“Mommy! Daddy!” he yelled. “Mr. Wiggles has fallen into the garden, the watering can is attacking the seed packets, and your headlamp is under the bed!”
His father sat up and sighed. “This is why we label the moving boxes.”
Three Drivers Received Vehicles Based On Their Kindness
Three drivers arrived at heaven’s gate and were told their vehicles would reflect the kindness they had shown in life.
The first had been generous and received a beautiful limousine. The second had been helpful but impatient and received a small family car. The third admitted that he rarely considered anyone else and received a squeaky bicycle.
Days later, the first two found the cyclist laughing beside the road.
“Why are you so cheerful?” they asked.
He pointed toward a familiar person passing on a skateboard. “I just saw my former boss.”
The limousine driver stopped laughing. The skateboarder waved and asked whether anyone had a spare helmet.
A second question produced no better explanation. By then, everyone involved had accepted that ordinary logic was no longer controlling the situation.
The incident became a favorite local story. Each retelling grew slightly longer, although the same unexpected final line continued to receive the biggest laugh.
Before leaving, everyone checked the facts once more. The facts were correct; it was the interpretation that had taken a spectacularly unnecessary journey.
The people nearby needed a moment to understand the answer. When the meaning finally became clear, the quietest person laughed first and everyone else followed.
The Worker’s Sign Language Produced The Wrong Tool
A construction worker on the fifth floor needed a handsaw but could not make the worker below hear him. He tried sign language, pointing to his eye for “I,” his chest for “need,” and moving his arm like a saw.
The worker below nodded, disappeared, and returned carrying a mirror.
The man upstairs repeated the signs more dramatically. This time the worker returned with safety goggles.
Finally, the upstairs worker drew a saw on a piece of cardboard and lowered it on a rope.
The worker below examined the picture, wrote “Why did you not do this first?” and attached the handsaw.
Both men agreed that improvised sign language worked best with labels.
The Older Gentleman’s Compliment Received A Clever Reply
An older gentleman noticed a stylish young woman at a café and could not stop admiring her bright hat. She eventually approached and asked why he kept looking.
He became embarrassed and explained that the hat reminded him of one his late wife had worn when they first met.
The woman smiled. “That is a much kinder explanation than I expected.”
He offered to buy her coffee as an apology. She accepted, then introduced him to her grandfather at the next table.
The two older men immediately began comparing photographs, favorite cafés, and stories about difficult hats.
The young woman finished her coffee alone while the new friends planned a shopping trip for matching caps.
Nobody involved in “The Older Gentleman’s Compliment Received A Clever Reply” had planned such an ending. They checked the details, discovered that the facts were correct, and agreed that the misunderstanding had done most of the creative work.
The Hunting Dog Used Its Tail To Report The Duck Count
Chester sent his hunting dog to check whether ducks were on the pond. The dog returned and wagged its tail three times.
“Three ducks,” Chester announced.
His friend doubted that the dog could count, so Chester sent it again. This time it returned, scratched the ground twice, and barked once.
“Two on shore, one in the water,” Chester translated.
They reached the pond and found three wooden decoys.
The dog had counted perfectly. The hunters had forgotten that they placed the decoys there themselves.
The dog received lunch while the men returned home without firing a shot.
Before leaving, the central character repeated the conclusion from “The Hunting Dog Used Its Tail To Report The Duck Count.” Hearing it twice did not make it more sensible, but it helped everyone appreciate how confidently it had been delivered.
The people involved reviewed every step of “The Hunting Dog Used Its Tail To Report The Duck Count” afterward. The facts remained the same, but the explanation became funnier each time somebody tried to make it sound reasonable.
The incident soon became known as “The Hunting Dog Used Its Tail To Report The Duck Count.” Nobody changed the ending, because the original misunderstanding had already produced a better punchline than any planned joke.
A final question led to another detailed explanation. By then, everyone connected with “The Hunting Dog Used Its Tail To Report The Duck Count” agreed that clearer instructions would have prevented the problem and spoiled the story.
Johnny’s Father Turned Three Household Accidents Into Punishments
Johnny swatted a bee near the flowers, so his father announced that he would receive no honey for a month. Later Johnny tore the wings from a toy butterfly, and his father banned butter for a month.
That evening, Johnny’s mother found a cockroach in the kitchen and stepped on it.
Johnny looked at his father and smiled.
His father raised a hand. “Do not say it.”
Johnny nodded. “I was only wondering whether the punishment system has exceptions.”
The family retired the word-game discipline and used ordinary chores instead.
The Bartender Worked At Every Entrance The Customer Tried
An obnoxious drunk stumbles into the front door of a bar and orders a drink, the bartender says, “No way, buddy,
you’re too drunk.” A few minutes later, the drunk comes in though the bathroom.
Again he slurs, “Give me a drink,” and the bartender says, “No, fellow, I told you
last time, you’re too drunk” Five minutes later the guy comes in though the back door and orders a drink, again the
bartender says, “You’re too drunk” The drunk scratches his head and says “Dang, I must be.
The last two places remarked the same thing
The Driver Finally Chose Which Passenger To Follow
A fellow is driving with his wife at his side and his mother-in-law in the backseat.
The women just won’t lee hm alone.
His mother-in-law says, “You’re driving too fast!”
His wife says, “Stay more to the left.”
After ten mixed orders, the fellow turns to his wife and asks,
“Who’s driving this car – you or your mother?”
The Programmer Was More Interested In The Bicycle
Two programmers discussed their weekends. One announced that he had met an attractive woman who invited him home.
His friend barely reacted until he mentioned a brand-new bicycle in the apartment.
“What model?” the friend asked. “How many gears? Carbon frame?”
The storyteller tried to return to the romantic part of the story, but the questions continued.
Finally he admitted that he had spent the evening repairing the bicycle while the woman ordered dinner.
His friend nodded approvingly. “At last, a relationship built on compatible hardware.”
Before leaving, the central character repeated the conclusion from “The Programmer Was More Interested In The Bicycle.” Hearing it twice did not make it sensible, but it made the confidence behind it funnier.
The Golden Bar Had One Very Ordinary Dog
A fellow comes home late one night, drunk. “Where have you been?” asks his wife.
“In the Golden Bar! They have golden chairs, golden glasses, golden beer, and a golden urinal!”
This sounds awfully suspicious to the wife, who calls the Golden Bar. “Do you have golden chairs?””Yes.”
“Do you have golden glasses?””Yes.” “Do you have golden beer?””Yes.”
“Do you have a golden urinal?””Hold on.” On the other end, she hears “I think we have a line on the guy who pissed in your saxophone.”
The Truck Driver Drank The Saddest Man’s Entire Story
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for a half hour. Then a big trouble making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, & just drinks it all down.
The poor fellow starts crying. The truck driver says, “Come on fellow, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink.
I just can’t stand to see a fellow cry.” “No, it’s not that,” the fellow replies, wiping his tears, “This day is the worst of my life.
First, I oversleep & I go in late to my office. My outraged boss fires me. When I leave the building to go to my car, I find out it was stolen.
The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to go home, & when I get out, I remember I left my wallet. The cab driver just drives away.
I go inside my house where I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave my home, come to this bar, & just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up & drink my poison.”
Two Baseball Fans Exchanged News From Heaven
Two old men, Abe and Sol, sit on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball. Abe turns to Sol and asks, “Do you think there’s baseball in Heaven?” Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, “I dunno.
But let’s make a deal — if I die first, I’ll come back and tell you if there’s baseball in Heaven, and if you die first, you do the same.” They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. Soon afterward, Sol sits in the park feeding the pigeons by himself and hears a voice whisper, “Sol… Sol… .”
Sol responds, “Abe! Is that you?” “Yes it is, Sol,” whispers Abe’s ghost. Sol, still amazed, asks, “So, is there baseball in Heaven?”
“Well,” says Abe, “I’ve received good news and bad news.” “Gimme the good news first,” says Sol. Abe says, “Well, there is baseball in Heaven.”
Sol says, “That’s great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that?” Abe sighs and whispers, “You’re pitching on Friday.”
George’s New Feeding Machine Had The Wrong Attachment
After neck surgery, George needed liquid nutrition through a medical tube. A nurse brought a large feeding machine and connected it.
George began moving rhythmically in the bed.
“Is something wrong?” she asked.
“No. If everyone else rocks a baby while feeding it, I can rock myself.”
The nurse adjusted the machine, which had been attached to the wrong side of the bed and was vibrating against the mattress.
George stopped dancing and requested that future meals arrive without percussion.
The Blind Cowboy’s Joke Failed In The Wrong Bar
A blind cowboy entered a biker bar by mistake and announced that he knew an excellent joke about the people inside.
The bartender warned him that the room contained champion riders, mechanics, and athletes who did not appreciate tired stereotypes.
The cowboy considered this.
“In that case, I will not tell it.”
“Because you are afraid?”
“No. I do not want to explain the punchline twelve times.”
The room laughed, and someone guided him to the correct bar next door.
Before leaving, the central character repeated the conclusion from “The Blind Cowboy’s Joke Failed In The Wrong Bar.” Hearing it twice did not make it sensible, but it made the confidence behind it funnier.
The witnesses later reconstructed “The Blind Cowboy’s Joke Failed In The Wrong Bar” from the beginning. Every fact survived, but the explanation became less believable each time it was repeated.
The incident became known as “The Blind Cowboy’s Joke Failed In The Wrong Bar.” Clearer instructions might have prevented it, although everyone agreed that clear instructions would also have removed the best joke.
Agnes Had Twenty-Five Children And One Large Family Tree
Agnes married and had 13 children. When her husband died, she married again and had 7 more children.
Again, her husband died. So Agnes remarried and this time had 5 more
children. Alas, she finally died. Standing before her
coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this extremely loving lady and remarked, Lord, they are finally
together. One mourner leaned over and quietly inquired her friend, “Do you think he means her first, second or third
husband?” The friend answered, “I think he means her legs.”
The Golfing Couple Discussed A Future Marriage
A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife inquired, “Honey, if I died would you get married again?”
The husband remarked, “No sweetie.” The lady remarked, “I’m sure you would.” So the fellow remarked, “Okay, I would” Then
the lady inquired, “Would you let her sleep in our bed?” And the fellow answered, “Ya, I guess so.” Then the wife
inquired, “Would you let her use my golf clubs?” And the husband answered, “No, she’s left handed.”
The Speeding Driver Was Carrying The Police Chief
A police officer stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. “But officer,” the fellow began, “I can
explain.” “Just be quiet,” snapped the officer. I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief
gets back.” But, officer, I just wanted to say,” “And I remarked to keep quiet! You’re going to jail!” A few hours
later the officer glanced in on his prisoner and remarked, “Lucky for you that the chief’s at his daughter’s wedding… He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”
“Don’t count on it,” answered the fellow in the cell. “I’m the groom.”
The Carpenter Outsmarted A Pickpocket With An Empty Wallet
Moishe the carpenter was returning home with his week’s wages when a pickpocket demanded his wallet on a deserted street.
“Take it,” said Moishe, “but please scatter a few receipts. My wife will never believe I lost the money unless the scene looks convincing.”
The thief pulled out the receipts. Moishe then requested that he empty the loose nails from the coat pockets and tear an old shopping list for extra drama.
After several minutes, the thief complained that the wallet contained no cash.
“That is all I wanted to know,” said Moishe. “My wages are in my tool box. Now return the wallet and pay for the receipts you ruined.”
The confused thief dropped everything and ran, while Moishe went home with both his wages and a story his wife actually believed.
The Forgetful Husband Returned With Breakfast Instead Of Dessert
Noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor. The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don’t forget.
They headed home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream “You might want to write it down,” she remarked. The husband remarked, “No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream.” She then told her
husband she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream “Write it down,” she told him. And again he remarked, “No, no, I can remember: you want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream.” Then the old lady remarked she wants a bowl of
ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top “Write it down,” she told her husband. And again he remarked, “No, I received it You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top.” So he goes to get the ice cream and spends
an unusually long time in the kitchen, over 30 minutes. He comes out to his wife and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs. The old wife stares at the plate for a moment, then
looks at her husband and asks, “Where’s the toast?”
The Picnic Bus Left One Passenger Happier Than Everyone Else
A bus carrying a neighborhood group to a picnic developed engine trouble beside a shallow stream. Everyone climbed out safely, but the passengers spent a week complaining about the ruined outing.
One husband continued looking miserable for more than two weeks. His friends assumed he must have missed the picnic terribly.
“Not exactly,” he said. “My wife missed the bus, borrowed my car to catch up, and now both vehicles are still at the repair shop.”
The friends agreed that he had managed to lose two forms of transportation without attending the picnic at all.
Three Sisters Sent Their Mother Mysterious Travel Postcards
Three sisters married within a short period and promised to send their mother postcards describing their honeymoon trips in only one advertising slogan.
The first wrote “Nescafé.” Their mother found the jar and read, “Great from beginning to end.” She decided the hotel breakfast must have been excellent.
The second wrote the name of a famous mattress company. Its slogan promised “super comfort, king size,” so their mother concluded the room had been upgraded.
The third traveled to New Zealand. A week passed, then a month, before a shaky postcard finally arrived bearing only the words “Air New Zealand.”
Their mother opened a travel magazine and found the advertisement: “Ten times a day, seven days a week, in all directions.”
She immediately telephoned to ask whether her daughter had spent the entire honeymoon changing flights.
Before leaving, the central character repeated the conclusion from “Three Sisters Sent Their Mother Mysterious Travel Postcards.” Hearing it twice did not make it sensible, but it made the confidence behind it even funnier.
Everyone later retold “Three Sisters Sent Their Mother Mysterious Travel Postcards” from the beginning. The facts remained the same, although the explanation sounded less sensible with every confident repetition.
