At Walmart
A boy starts his first day at Walmart. His trainer says to
him “I’ll take care of the first 2 customers to show you
how it’s done and you can look after the 3rd.” So the
trainer goes to the first customer and says “Can I help
you, m’am?” Lady goes “I’m looking for some garden
hose.” Trainer “Okay 10, 20 or 30 ft?” Lady
“30ft.” He takes her to where the hoses are and says
“After, can I interest you in a lawn mower?” “Why
would I need a lawn mower?” “Well you’re going to
water your grass, the grass is going to grow and you’re
going to need to cut it. You’ll need a lawnmower for
that.” “Actually yeah, I do need a lawnmower.” The boy
is pretty impressed that his trainer was able to sell this
lady a lawnmower. So the trainer goes to the second customer
and says “Can I help you, sir?” The man says “Yeah,
I’m looking for some fertilizer.” “Sure. 10, 20 or 30
pounds?” “20″ So the trainer takes the man to where
the fertilizer is and says “When you’re done can I
interest you in a new lawnmower?” “Why would I need a
lawnmower?” “Well you’re going to fertilize your
grass, the grass is going to grow and you’re going to need
to cut it. You’re going to need a lawnmower.” “Yeah,
actually, I do need a lawnmower”. The boy at this point is
amazed by his trainer’s salesmanship. So now it’s the
boys turn to help a customer. He goes up to this lady and
asks “Is there something I can help you with today?”
“I’m looking for some tampons.” “Sure, 10, 20 or 30
pack?” “30 pack”. So the boy takes the lady to where
the tampons are and says “When you’re done can I
interest you in a lawnmower?” The lady looks at him
confused as says “What on earth would I need a lawnmower
for?”
A gorgeous 19 year old girl
A 71 year old man is having a drink in a Chicago bar
Suddenly a gorgeous 19 year old girl enters and sits down a
few seats away. The girl is so attractive that he just
can’t take his eyes off her After a short while the girl
notices him staring, and approaches him. Before the man has
time to apologize, the girl looks him deep in the eyes and
says to him in a sultry tone: “I’ll do anything you’d
like Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams, it
doesn’t matter how extreme or unusual it is, I’m game I
want 100 dollars, and there’s another condition”.
Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, the man
asks her what her condition is. She replies, “You have to
tell me what you want me to do in just three words.” The
man takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful
woman He then whips out his wallet and puts 10 ten-dollar
bills in her outstretched hand. He then looks her square in
the eye, and says slowly and clearly: “Paint my house.”
Jonny Went To School
Jonny went to school one day and later that day his dad got
a call saying he needs to pick up his son because he had had
s*x with a teacher. When Jonny got home his dad was so happy
he went out to the store and bought him a bike. When they
bought the bike Jonny was offered to ride the bike but he
declined it and replied with my butt still hurts.
Bubba The Old Redneck From Georgia Decides To Travel
Bubba the old Redneck from Georgia decides to travel across
the south to Virginia to see God’s country. When he gets
to Franklin, he likes the place so much that he decides to
stay. But first, he must find a job: Bubba walks into an
international paper company office and fills out an
application as an experienced log inspector. It’s his
lucky day! They just happen to be looking for someone, but
first, the log foreman takes him for a ride into the forest
in the company pickup truck to see how much he knows. The
foreman stops the truck on the side of the road and points
at a tree. “See that tree over there, I want you to tell
me what species it is and how many board feet of lumber it
contains.” Bubba the redneck promptly answers. “That
there’s white pine, 383 board feet of lumber in ‘er.”
The foreman is impressed! He puts the truck in motion and
stops about a mile down the road. He points at another tree
through the passenger window and asks the same question.
This time, it’s a bigger tree of a different class. Bubba
replies. “That’s a loblolly pine and she’s got about
456 clear board feet.” The foreman is really impressed
with the good ol’ boy, he has been quick and got the
answers right without using a calculator! One more test.
They drive a little further down the road, and the foreman
stops again. This time, he points across the road through
his driver side window and says. “And what about that
one?” Before the foreman finishes pointing, the Bubba
says. “White oak, 242 board feet at best.” The foreman
spins the truck around and heads back to the office a little
ticked off because he thinks the red neck is smarter than he
is. As they near the office, another foreman stops the truck
and asks Bubba to step outside. He hands him a piece of
chalk and tells him. “See that tree over there?” “I
want you to mark an x on the front of that tree!” The
foreman thinks to himself. “Idiot, how would he know which
is the front of the tree?” When Bubba reaches the tree, he
goes around it in a circle while looking at the ground. He
then reaches up and places a big white ‘X’ on the trunk.
He walks back to the foreman and hands him the chalk.
“That there’s the front,” Bubba says. The foreman
laughs to himself and asks sarcastically. “How in the hell
do you know that’s the front of the tree?” The good
ol’ boy looks down at his feet while rubbing the toe of
his left boot cleaning it in the gravel and replies. “Cuz
somebody took a s**t behind it.” Needless to say, he got
the job and started the very same day…
A Teacher Was Asking Her Class
One day a teacher was asking her class to use absolutely in
a sentence. So Janet raised her hand and said, “the sky is
absolutely blue” The teacher said no, “it is not,
sometimes is black or has different colors.” Another
little boy raised his hand and said, “the leaves on the
trees are absolutely green” The teacher said no, “they
could be different colors at different times of the year.”
Little Johnny raised his hand and asked if there were lumps
in farts, the teacher said “no, I don’t believe so”.
And Little Johnny said, “well then I absolutely just s**t
in my pants!”
Girls Day
April was explaining to her husband how much fun they’d
had at the beach during her “girls day” outing.
“But,” she told him, “It didn’t end all that great
for me.” “Why, what happened?” he asked. “I went out
to take a swim in the rough water but I didn’t go out far
because the waves were very bad. Then I suddenly noticed
that all the turbulence had caused the lower half of my
bikini to be stripped off. I looked and looked for it but it
was gone, gone, gone!” “For goodness sakes, sweetie,
what did you do?” “Do? Why I did what any respectable
female would do,… … I covered my face and eyes with my
hands and ran to the beach house as fast as I could.”
A Woman Approaches Her Doctor And Says
Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her
doctor and says “Doc, I’m getting married this week-end
and my fiancée thinks I’m a v*rgin, is there anything you
can do to help me?” The doctor says, “Medically, no, but
here’s something you can try… On the wedding night, when
you’re getting ready for bed, take an elastic band and
slide it up your upper thigh. When your husband enters you
for the first time, snap the elastic band and tell him
it’s your v*rginity snapping.” The woman loves this
idea, and knows her hubby-to-be will fall for it. They have
a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite. The
wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic
band up her leg, finishes preparing and climbs into bed with
her man. Things begin to progress, her hubby “slips it
in”, she snaps the elastic band, and the hubby screams…
“What the heck was that!!?” The wife explains, “Oh
nothing honey, that was just my v*rginity snapping”. The
husband cries out, “Well snap it again, it’s got my
b*lls!!”
The Wife Asked Her Husband
After 15 years of marriage the wife asked her husband to
describe her. The husband looked at her slowly and without
blinking an eye, said, “ABCDEFGHIJK.” “What does that
mean?” She asked. “Adorable, Beautiful, Cute,
Delightful, Elegant, Fashionable, Gorgeous and Hot!!!” he
replied. Wife Smiling asked, “So sweet of you honey. What
about IJK?” He replied, “I’m Just Kidding!
Boy Asks Is It Possible To Eat Electricity
A little boy asks his mother, “Mom, is it possible to eat
electricity?” The mother says: ‘What? Where did you hear
that? The boy replied: “Yesterday I heard Dad say to you,
‘Turn off the light and put it in your mouth.’
A Woman Comes Home And Tells Her Husband No More Headaches
A woman comes home and tells her husband, “Remember those
Headaches I’ve been having all these years? Well,
they’re gone.” “No more headaches?” The husband
asks, “What happened?” His wife replies, Margie referred
me to a hypnotist. He told me To Stand in front of a mirror,
stare at myself and repeat,… “I do not Have a Headache;
I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache. It
Worked! The headaches are all gone.” The husband replies,
“Well, that is wonderful.” His wife then says, “You
know, you haven’t been exactly a ball Of Fire in the
bedroom these last few years. Why don’t you go see the
Hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?” The
husband agrees to try it Following his appointment, The
husband comes home, rips off his Clothes, picks up his wife
and carries her into the bedroom. He Puts her on The bed and
says, “Don’t move, I’ll be right back.” He goes into
The Bathroom and comes back. A few minutes later and jumps
into bed And makes Passionate love to his wife like never
before. His wife says, “Boy, that was wonderful!” The
husband says, “Don’t move! I will be right back.” He
goes back Into the bathroom, comes back and round two was
even better than The First time. The wife sits up and her
head is spinning. Her husband again says, “Don’t move,
I’ll be right back.” With That, He goes back in the
bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there,
in the Bathroom, She sees him standing at the mirror and
saying, “She’s not my Wife. She’s Not my wife. She’s
not my wife…” His funeral services will be held on
Friday.
