An Old Man Calls Pizza Hut To Order A Pizza
An old man calls Pizza hut to order a pizza… CALLER: Is
this Pizza Hut? GOOGLE: No sir, it’s Google Pizza. CALLER:
I must have dialled a wrong number, sorry. GOOGLE: No sir,
Google bought Pizza Hut last month. CALLER: OK. I would like
to order a pizza. GOOGLE: Do you want your usual, sir?
CALLER: My usual? Do you know me? GOOGLE: According to our
caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you
ordered an extra-large pizza with three kinds of cheese,
sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick
crust. CALLER: Super! That’s what I’ll have. GOOGLE: May
I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta,
arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat
gluten-free thin crust? CALLER: What? I don’t want a
vegetarian pizza! GOOGLE: Your cholesterol is not good, sir.
CALLER: How do you know that? GOOGLE: Well, we
cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical
records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last
7 years. CALLER: Okay, but I do not want your rotten
vegetarian pizza! I already take medication for my
cholesterol. GOOGLE: Excuse me sir, but you have not taken
your medication regularly. According to our database, you
purchased only a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once at
Lloyds Pharmacy, 4 months ago. CALLER: I bought more from
another Pharmacy. GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your credit
card statement. CALLER: I paid in cash. GOOGLE: But you did
not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.
CALLER: I have other sources of cash. GOOGLE: That doesn’t
show on your latest tax returns unless you bought them using
an undeclared income source, which is against the law!
CALLER: WHAT THE !!! GOOGLE: I’m sorry sir, we use such
information only with the sole intention of helping you.
CALLER: Enough already! I’m sick to the death of Google,
Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I’m going
to an island without the internet, or TV, where there is no
phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me. GOOGLE: I
understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first.
It expired 6 weeks ago…
The Husband Comes Home With A Scratch On His Chest
The husband comes home and worried because he has a scratch
on his chest caused by a fingernail from his mistress, opens
the door seeing the cat asleep on the couch, gives him a
tremendous kick. The cat “screams” a loud meow and runs
out the door. The wife comes in the living room and asks
what happened and he angrily replied: “This cat seems
crazy, I was walking in and, just like that, he jumped on me
and scratched me in the chest.” “Look at that hell of a
scratch!” The woman replied: You did very well, today this
fool has bitten my a***s and gave me one hell of a hickey on
my neck.
A Husband and Wife of Want To Spice Up Their Stale s3x Life
They want to try BDSM for the first time. So one afternoon,
the husband comes home from work, heads upstairs to the
bedroom to change, and finds his wife spread out on the bed
decked out in bondage gear and lingerie. Without skipping a
beat the husband gets undressed and leans down and asks her
in a very seductive tone of voice in her ear, “What do you
want me to do for you, my queen?” The wife exclaims, “I
WANT YOU TO TORTURE ME! YES! I WANT IT TO HURT SO MUCH! YES!
YES! PLEASE, PLEASE TORTURE ME!!!’ The husband looks at
her and says “Sure thing. I’ll be right back!” He
hurriedly walks out of the bedroom into another room down
the hall. Several minutes go by and the wife soon becomes
perplexed to his whereabouts. She gets up out of the bed,
pokes her head out of the bedroom door, and asks, “Honey,
wha… well, what the hell are you doing?” She then sees
her husband emerge from that room walking very fast towards
her. He races back to the bedroom, grabs her by both arms,
kisses her, and then very seductively tosses her on the bed.
She catches her breath, grins, and then says to him in a
s3xy voice, “Took you long enough. You know I still want
you to torture me.” The husband replies, “Oh… yeah, no
problem. I just installed Windows 10 on your laptop.”
A Wife Went To Doctor
A wife from Montana had an appointment with her doctor to
ask for advice on how to treat her husband’s lack of s3x
drive. “Have you tried Viagra?” the doctor asked. “Not
a chance,” the lady replied, “He doesn’t even take
aspirin.” “Not a problem,” the doctor replied, “Just
give him some Montana Viagra.” “What’s Montana
Viagra?” “It’s simple. You discretely put the Viagra
into his coffee when he’s not looking. He won’t be able
to taste it.” “Try it out and get back to me in a week
and tell me about the results.” A week later, the lady
called the doctor. “Oh my lord!” she wailed,
“Terrible! Just terrible.” “Really? What happened?”
the doctor replied. “I did as you told me, I put the pill
into the coffee, and the effect was immediate.” “He flew
up from the chair, and his eyes were positively
smoldering.” “With a quick motion he swept all the cups
and the tablecloth from the table, ripped my clothes off and
took me then and there on the table.” “It was a
nightmare I tell you, a nightmare.” “Oh, I see, but why
was it so bad, shouldn’t this be a good thing?” the
doctor asked in a worried tone. “Oh yes, this was the best
thing to happen to me in 25 years!” “But I can tell you
right now, I will never be able to show my face in the
downtown Starbucks again!”
Three Italian Nuns Die And Go To Heaven
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven, where they are met
at the Perly Gates by St. Peter. He says, “Ladies, you all
led such wonderful lives, that I’m granting you six months
to go back to Earth and be anyone you want.” The first nun
says, “I want-a to be Sophia Loren” and *poof!* she’s
gone. The second says, “I want-a to be Madonna” and
*poof!* she’s gone. The third says, “I want-a to be Sara
Pipalini.” St. Peter looks perplexed. “Who?” he says.
“Sara Pipalini” replies the nun. St. Peter shakes his
head and says “I’m sorry but that name just doesn’t
ring a bell.” The nun then takes a newspaper out of her
habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and
starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says “No
Sister, this says ‘Sahara Pipeline laid by 500 men in 7
days!’”
A Affair With His Secretary
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One
day, their passions overcame them in the office and they
took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon’s
activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As
the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his
shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt.
Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his
shoes and drove home. “Where have you been?” demanded
his wife when he entered the house. “Darling,” replied
the man, “I can’t lie to you. I’ve been having an
affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and
didn’t wake up until eight o’clock.” The wife glanced
down at his shoes and said, “You liar! You’ve been
playing golf!”
A Man And His Wife Go On A Date
They are seated and after browsing the menu they both decide
to order the soup of the day. When the waiter brings their
soup the man knocks his spoon on the floor. “Whoops,” he
says and turns to the waiter, “I’m terribly sorry but
could I have another.” The waiter whips a fresh spoon out
of his top pocket. “Here you are, Sir.” Says the waiter,
handing him the spoon. “Oh, thank you,” says the man a
little surprised. The couple tuck into their soups, chit
chatting about the wonderful service and how delicious the
soup is. The man glances around the restaurant and notices
all the waiters have a spoon sticking out of their top
pockets curious about the spoons he beckons the waiter back
over. “Is everything to your liking, Sir?” asks the
waiter. “Oh, yes, it’s wonderful, thank you, I was just
curious as to why all the waiters are carrying a spoon in
each of their top pockets.” “Very observant, Sir.
Statistically spoons are the most dropped utensil so to save
time we all carry a spoon in our pockets.” “That’s
very clever, thank you.” The waiter returns to the kitchen
and the man turns back to his soup. After a few more sips he
is looking around the room again and notices the all the
waiters have a short piece of string hanging out of the fly
on their trousers. He gestures again for the waiter who
returns to the table. “Anything I can do for you, Sir?”
“Just another question, if you don’t mind,” says the
man with genuine curiosity. “I notice all the waiters have
a piece of string hanging out of their fly, what is the
reason behind that?” “Well, Sir, to be perfectly honest
the string is tied to the tool so when we go to the bathroom
one can just pull it out with the string and eliminate the
need to wash ones hands, thus saving more time.”
“Interesting,” says the man. A look of slight confusion
crosses his face and he adds, “But what about when you
need to put it away?” “Well, Sir,” says the waiter,
leaning in conspiratorially, “Personally I use the
spoon.”
A Salesman Rings The Door Bell
A salesman rings the door bell and Little Johnny answers.
Salesman: “Can I see your dad?” Johnny: “No, he’s in
the shower.” Salesman: “What about your mother? Can I
see her?” Johnny: “Nope. She’s in the shower, too.”
Salesman: “Do you think they’ll be out soon?” Johnny:
“Doubt it. When my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave
him super glue instead.”
A Man Goes Doctor’S Office To Get Double Dose Of Viagra
A man went to the doctor’s office to get a double dose of
Viagra. The doctor told him that he couldn’t allow him a
double dose. “Why not?” asked the man. “Because it’s
not safe,” replied the doctor. “But I need it really
bad,” said the man. “Well, why do you need it so
badly?” asked the doctor. The man said, “My girlfriend
is coming into town on Friday. My ex-wife will be here on
Saturday, and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can’t you
see? I must have a double dose.” The doctor finally
relented saying, “Okay, I’ll give it to you, but you
have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to
see if there are any side effects.” On Monday, the man
dragged himself in; his arm in a sling. The doctor asked,
“What happened to you?” The man said, “No one showed
up.”
A newlywed first night together
On their first night together, a newlywed couple go
to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered
and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, “My
dear, we are married now, you can open your robe.” The
beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is
astonished.” Oh, oh, aaaahhh,” he exclaims, “My God
you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she
asks, “My picture?” He answers, “Yes my dear, so I can
carry your beauty next to my heart forever”. She smiles
and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the
bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the
new wife asks, “Why do you wear a robe? We are married
now.” At that, the man opens his robe and she exclaims,
“oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture”. He beams and asks
why and she answers, “So I can get it enlarged!”
