Johnny And A Girl Are Playing
Little Johnny and a little girl are playing. Little Johnny
pulls down his shorts and says, “I have one of these and
you don’t.” The little girl starts crying and crying and
runs home to her mother. The next day Little Johnny and the
girl are playing together again. Once again Little Johnny
points to his private parts and says, “I have one of these
and you don’t.” But this time the little girl just keeps
on playing. “How come you’re not crying today,” asks
Little Johnny. “My mother told me,” says the little
girl, pulling up her dress, “that with one of these, I can
get as many of those as I want.”
Urgent need to use the bathroom
A man on a flight to Chicago suddenly found himself having
an urgent need to use the bathroom. He headed over to the
men’s room, nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the
aircraft. Each time he tried the door, it was occupied. A
stewardess noticed his predicament and told him, “I’ll
let you use the ladies’ room, but on one condition –
don’t touch the buttons on the wall!” The man breathed a
sigh of relief while sitting on the toilet, and his
attention drifted to the buttons on the wall. The buttons
were marked “WW, WA, PP and ATR”. Making the mistake
that so many men make in disregarding the importance of what
a woman says, the man let his curiosity get the best of him
and decided to try the buttons anyway. He carefully pressed
the first button marked “WW” and immediately warm water
sprayed all over his entire bottom. He thought, “Wow, this
is strangely pleasant, women really have it made!” Still
curious, he pressed the button marked “WA” and a gentle
breeze of warm air quickly dried his hind quarters. “This
is amazing!” he thought, “Men’s rooms having nothing
like this!” He then pressed the button marked “PP”,
which yielded a large powder puff that delicately applied a
soft talc to his rear. Well, naturally he couldn’t resist
the last button marked “ATR”, and then everything went
black. When he woke up in the hospital he panicked and
buzzed for the nurse. When she appeared, he cried out,
“What happened to me?! The last thing I remember, I was in
the ladies’ room on a plane!” The nurse replied, “Yes,
I’m sure you were having a great time until you pressed
the ‘ATR’ button, which stands for ‘Automatic Tampon
Remover.’”
A Crusty Old Man Walks Into A Bank
A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller,
“I want to open a f*cking checking account.” The
astonished woman replies, “I beg your pardon, but that
kind of language is not tolerated in this bank.” The woman
leaves the window & goes over to the bank manager to
inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that a woman
does not have to listen to that foul language. They both
return to the window & the manager asks the old geezer,
“Sir, what seems to be the problem here?” There is no
f*cking problem,” the man says. “I just won $200 million
bucks in the damn lottery & I want to put my f*cking
money in this damn bank.” “Oh…I see,” says the
manager, “And is this b!tch giving you a hard time
sir…?”
Bob Went To A Clinic For A Checkup
The nurse asked him to remove his clothing and put on a gown
to be checked by the doctor. – “In front of you?” He
asks, shy. The nurse says: – “Well no, but I’ve seen
the human body before. The man said, – “Not one like
mine. You’d die laughing at my body.” – “Of course,
I won’t laugh,” said the Nurse to the patient, “I’m
a professional. In over twenty years I’ve never laughed at
a patient.” – “Okay then,” said the patient, and he
proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing a huge male body
with the smallest 4dult male organ the Nurse had ever seen
in her life. In length and width, it was almost identical to
a AAA battery. Unable to control herself, the Nurse tried to
stop a giggle, but it just came out. And then she started
laughing at the fact that she was laughing. Feeling very
badly that she had laughed at the man’s private part, she
composed herself as well as she could. – “I am so
sorry,” she said, “I don’t know what came over me. On
my honor as a Nurse and a lady, I promise that it won’t
happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?
– “It’s swollen,” Bob replied.
A Midwest Farmer Was Describing His Lifestyle
A Midwest farmer was describing his lifestyle to a touring
group of city folks. “One of the benefits of this
profession,” he explained, “is that we have built-in
weather predictions.” “What do you mean by that?”
asked one inquisitive visitor. “When the cows are
standing,” the farmer explained, “it means no rain is
likely for the next twenty-four hours. When they’re lying
down, it means it’s going to rain.” “On our bus
trip,” another visitor piped in, “I saw half the herd
standing and the other half lying down. What does that
mean?” The farmer flashed a smile and answered, “That
means half of them are wrong.”
A Blonde and Milk Bath
A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She
left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a
mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he
knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to
the door and the milkman said, “I found your note asking
me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?”
The blonde said, “I want 25 gallons. I’m going to fill
my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look
young and beautiful again.” The milkman asked, “Do you
want it pasteurized?” The blonde said, “No, just up to
my boobs. I can splash it on my eyes.”
Sister, Have You Ever Touched A Mans Unit?
A bus full of nuns crashes and they all die and go to the
pearly gates. There they are met by St Peter. St Peter asks
the first nun: “Sister, have you ever touched a man
unit?” The Sister replies: “Yes, with the tip of my
finger” “OK, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy
water and in you go “The next sister approached St Peter
and He made the same question: “Sister, have you ever
touched a man unit?” “Yes, I once gave a hand job.”
“Put your hand in the holy water and in you go. “At this
point one of the nuns at that back starts pushing and
shoving her way to the front, when she gets there St Peter
asks: “Why are you in such a hurry?” The nun
replies:”I have to gargle before sister Anne puts her ass
in it.”
A Man m4sturbating In A Hospital
A man goes to a hospital and sees a man m4sturbating. He
asks the nurse why is he doing so. The nurse explains to him
that if he doesn’t masturbate every 6 hours there would be
a clot and he would die. Then in the next room, he sees a
nurse giving a blowjob to a guy. He then says, “You will
have to explain this.” The nurse replies, “Same problem
better insurance.”
Guy Visits His Favourite Dominatrix
Guy visits his favourite Dominatrix He puts his money on the
bedside table and says “I’ve been bad, mistress. I need
to be punished.” She makes him strip and bend over as she
whips his quivering bottom. Next she makes him crawl into
bed and ties him securely to the bedposts. She runs her whip
over his flesh and, as he wriggles in anticipation, the bed
posts break and his arms come free. “Don’t worry, I can
fix this” he says, as he runs out to his car. He returns
in a few minutes with some tools and gets to work. In a few
minutes the bedposts are fixed. He looks admiringly at his
handiwork and beams. “Good as new, mistress!” She says
“This sub really loves reposts.”
A Man Was Walking Home
An Irishman was walking home late at night and sees a woman
in the dark shadows. ‘Twenty pounds,’ she whispers.
Paddy had never been with a hooker before but decides what
the hell, it’s only twenty pounds. So they hid in the
bushes. They’re going ‘at it’ for a minute when all of
a sudden a light flashes on them. It is a Police Officer.
Allo, Allo, Allo, What’s going on ‘ere, people? asks the
cop. ‘Ta be shure, Oi’m making love to me missus,’
Paddy answers, sounding annoyed. ‘Oh, I’m sorry,’ says
the cop, ‘I didn’t know.’ ‘Well, neidder did I, til
ya shined that bloody light in her face!’
