An Old Blind Cowboy Wanders into Bar by Mistake
An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by
mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot
of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells
to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep,
husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell
that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you
are blind, that you should know five things: The bartender
is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. The bouncer is a
blonde girl with a ‘Billy-Club’. I’m a 6-foot tall,
175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. The
woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight
lifter. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional
wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy… Do you
still wanna tell that blonde joke?” The blind cowboy
thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,
“No…not if I’m gonna have to explain it five
times…”
A Blonde Arrived For Her First Golf
A blonde arrived for her first golf lesson and the pro asked
her to take a swing at a ball to see how she’d do. The
blonde did so and completely duffed the shot. The pro said,
“Your swing is good but you’re gripping the club too
hard grip the club gently as you would your husband’s
weapon.” The blonde took another shot and bared the ball
275 yards straight down the fairway. The pro said, “That
was excellent!! Let’s try it again, only this time take
the club out of your mouth.”
An Attorney Went Into A Bar For Martini
An attorney went into a bar for a Martini and found himself
beside a scruffy-looking old drunk who kept mumbling and
studying something in his hand. He leaned closer while the
old drunk held the tiny object up to the light, slurring,
“Well, it looks plastic.” Then he rolled it between his
fingers, adding, “But it feels like rubber.” Curious,
the attorney asked, “What do you have there?” The old
drunk replied, “I don’t know, but it looks like plastic
and feels like rubber.” The attorney responded, “Let me
take a look.” So the old drunk handed it over and the
lawyer rolled between his thumb and fingers, then examined
it closely by sniffing and licking it. “Yeah, it does look
like plastic and feel like rubber, has no significant smell
or taste, I sure don’t know what it is. Where did you get
it?” The old drunk man replied, “Out of my nose!”
Johnny Got On The Bus
A little Johnny got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a
book, and noticed he had his collar backwards. The little
Johnny asked why he wore his collar backwards. The man, who
was a priest, said, ‘I am a Father.’ The little Johnny
replied, ‘My Daddy is also a father, but he doesn’t wear
his collar like that’ The priest looked up from his book
and answered, “I am the Father of many.’ The Little boy
said, “My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren
and he doesn’t wear his collar that way!’ The priest,
getting impatient, said. ‘I am the Father of hundreds, and
went back to reading his book. The little Johnny sat quietly
thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, “Maybe
you should wear a c0ndom, and put your pants on backwards
instead of your collar.”
One Day A Man Goes To The Beach
One day a man goes to the beach to get a tan, he is wearing
no clothes except for a newspaper to cover his privates. A
little girl walk up to him and asks ”What is under the
newspaper?” the man replies ”Oh, that’s my birdy,
don’t touch it.” Soon after, he falls asleep. When he
woke up he realized he was in a hospital and he felt a tense
pain in his private area. He sees the little girl sitting
beside his bed. ”What happened?” the man asks ”Oh, uh
yeah when you fell asleep I went and played with your birdy
but then it spat on me sooo I broke it’s neck, smashed
it’s eggs and burned it’s nest
A Man Walks Into The Front Door Of A Bar
A man walks into the front door of a bar, he is obviously
drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool,
and with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The
bartender politely informs the man that it appears he has
already had plenty to drink, he could not be served
additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for
him? The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs,
grumbles, climbs down off of the stool and staggers out the
front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in
the SIDE door of the same bar. He wobbles up to the bar and
hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and, still
politely-but more firmly, refuses to serve the man due to
his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab. The drunk
looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and
shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and
shaking his head. A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts
in through the BACK door of the bar. He plops himself down
on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a
drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the
man that he is clearly drunk, will not be served a drink,
and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.
The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in hopeless
anguish, cries, “MAAAN! How many bars do you work at?”
The Fireman Hose
A fireman comes home from work one day and tells his wife,
“We have a wonderful system at the fire station: Bell 1
rings, we put on our jackets; Bell 2 rings, we slide down
the pole; Bell 3 rings, we’re on the trucks. From now on,
we’re going to run this house the same way. When I say
Bell 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say Bell 2, I want
you to jump into bed. When I say Bell 3, we’re going to
make passionate love.” The next night, the fireman comes
home from work and yells, “Bell 1!” His wife takes off
her clothes. “Bell 2,” and his wife jumps into bed.
“Bell 3,” and they began to make love. After two
minutes, his wife yells, “Bell 4!” “What’s Bell
4?” the husband asks. “More hose,” she replies,
“you’re nowhere near the fire!”
Some things you just can’t explain
A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting
soused. A man comes in and asks the farmer, “Hey, why are
you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?”
Farmer: Some things you just can’t explain. Man: So what
happened that is so horrible? Farmer: Well if you must know,
today I was sitting by my cow milking her Just as I go the
bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over.
Man: That’s not so bad, what’s the big deal? Farmer:
Some things you just can’t explain. Man: So then what
happened. Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the
post on the left with some rope Then I sat down and
continued to milk her Just as I got the bucket about full
she took her right leg and kicked it over. Man: Again?
Farmer: Something’s ya just can’t explain. Man: So, what
did you do then? Farmer: I took her right leg and tied it to
the post on the right. Man: So then what did you do? Farmer:
I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as I got
the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocks over the
bucket with her tail. Man: Wow you must have been pretty
upset! Farmer: Some things you just can’t explain. Man: So
then what did you do. Farmer: Well I didn’t have any more
rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter
At that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.
A Man Is Lying On The Beach
A man is lying on the beach, wearing nothing but a cap over
his crotch. A woman passing by remarks, “If you were any
sort of a gentleman, you would lift your hat to a lady.”
He replies, “If you were any sort of a s3xy lady, the hat
would lift by itself.”
Chitchat Of Beautiful Ladies
Three women were talking about their love lives. The first
said, “My husband is like a Rolls-Royce; smooth and
sophisticated.” The second said, “Mine is like a
Porsche; fast and powerful.” The third said, “Mine is
like an old Chevy. It needs a hand start and I have to jump
on while it’s still going.”
