A Guy Comes Home Completely Drunk One Night
A guy comes home completely drunk after visiting the Golden
Saloon A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He
lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife,
who is most definitely not happy. “Where the heck have you
been all night?” she demands. “At this new bar,” he
says. “The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden.
It’s got huge golden doors, a golden floor and even the
urinal’s gold!” The wife still doesn’t believe his
story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a
place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the
place to check her husband’s story. “Is this the Golden
Saloon?” she asks when the bartender answers the phone.
“Yes it is,” the bartender answers. “Do you have huge
golden doors?” “Sure do,” he replies. “Do you have
golden floors?” the wife asks. “Most certainly do,” he
assures her. “What about golden urinals?” she queried
skeptically. There’s a long pause, then the woman hears
the bartender yelling,… “Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead
on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!”
The Big Game Hunter
The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to
everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a
good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said
that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any
animal’s skin from its feel, and if he could locate the
bullet hole he would even tell them what calibre the bullet
was that killed the animal. The hunter said that he was
willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so
the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took him
to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few
moments, he announced “Bear.” Then he felt the bullet
hole and declared, “Shot with a .308 rifle.” He was
right. They brought him another skin, one that someone had
in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then
said, “Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. He was right again.
Through the night, he proved his skills again and again,
every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered
home, drunk out of his mind,and went to sleep. The next
morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell
of a shiner. He said to his wife, “I know I was drunk last
night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not
remember it. Where did I get this blackeye?” His wife
angrily replied, “I gave it to you. You got into bed and
put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit
and loudly announced, “Skunk, killed with an axe.”
Three Guys Talking About How Dumb Their Wives Are
Three guys are having a few beers and talking about how dumb
their wives are. Guy1: My wife is so dumb she wants to spend
$15,000 to redo the kitchen and she can’t even cook. Guy
2: That’s nothing. My wife wants me to buy her a new
$50,000 car and she can’t even drive yet. Guy 3: My wife
is dumber that both of them. She bought 3 boxes of cond0ms
to take on a business trip and she doesn’t even have a
di*ck.
At The Train Station
The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of
his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?” I
said, “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my
wife! He said, “Why? Is she super-hot too? I said, “No,
she’s an optometrist!”
An Elderly Man Traveling By Plane
An elderly man travelling by plane was in urgent need of a
restroom facility. But each time he tried, it was occupied.
The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he
use the attendant’s ladies room, but cautioned him not to
press any of the buttons. There next to the paper roll were
four buttons marked: ‘WW’, ‘WA’, ‘PP’ and
‘ATR’. Making the mistake so many men make of not
listening to a woman, he disregarded what she said when his
curiosity got the best of him. He carefully pressed the WW
button and immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed
on his bare bottom. He thought “Wow, these gals really
have it nice.” So a little more boldly he pressed the WA
button and body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet
bottom and dried it comfortably. “Aha,” he thought,
“no wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with
these kinds of services.” So he pushed the next button PP
with anticipation. A soft disposable Powder Puff swung below
him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc. “Man, this is
great,” he thought as he reaches out for the ATR button.
When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing
off. Confused, he buzzed the nurse to find out what
happened. He explained the last thing he remembered was
intense pain in the ladies room on the plane. The nurse
explained, “Yes, you must have been having a great time
until you pushed the Automatic Tampon Removal button. By the
way, your pen!s is under your pillow.”
The Big Barbeque And Butt
A man and his wife were working in their garden one day. The
man looks over at his wife and says: “Your butt is getting
really big I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than
the barbecue.” With that he proceeded to get a measuring
tape and measure the grill, then went over to where his wife
was working and measured his wife’s bottom: “Yes, I was
right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!”
The woman chose to ignore her husband. Later that night in
bed, the husband was feeling a little frisky. He made some
advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.
“What’s wrong?” he asks. She answers: “Do you really
think I’m going to fire up this big-ass grill for one
little weenie?”
80 Year Old Lady Goes For A Birthday Drink
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch
with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the
drink she says, “I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th
birthday and it’s today…” The bartender says, “Well
since it’s your birthday, I’ll buy you a drink. In fact,
this one is on me.” As the woman finishes her drink, the
woman to her right says, “I would like to buy you a drink,
too.” The old woman says, “Thank you. Bartender, I want
a Scotch with two drops of water.” “Coming up,” says
the bartender. As she finishes that drink, the man to her
left says, “I would like to buy you one, too.” The old
woman says, “Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch
with two drops of water.” “Coming right up,” the
bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says,
“Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity, why the Scotch with
only two drops of water?” The old woman replies, “Sonny,
when you’re my age, you’ve learned how to hold your
liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other
issue.”
A Priest On A Plane
A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from
Switzerland. She found herself seated next to a nice priest
whom she asked: “Excuse me Father, could I ask a favor?”
“Of course my child, What can I do for you?” “Here is
the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated hair
remover gadget for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I
have really gone over the declaration limits and I am
worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you
think you could hide it under your cassock?” Advertisement
“Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I
can not lie.” “You have such an honest face Father, I am
sure they will not ask you any questions”, and she gave
him the ‘hair remover’. The aircraft arrived at its
destination. When the priest presented himself to customs he
was asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?”
“From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to
declare, my son”,he replied. Finding this reply strange,
the customs officer asked, “And from the sash down, what
do you have?” The priest replied, “I have there a
marvelous little instrument designed for use by women, but
which has never been used.” Breaking out in laughter, the
customs officer said, “Go ahead Father. Next!”
Doctor Doctor My Girlfriend is Pregnant
Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use
protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?
Doctor : Let me tell you a story: “There was once a Hunter
who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took
out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion
suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion,
the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion,
then it died! Guy : Nonsense! Someone else must have shot
the Lion. Doctor : Good! You understood the story. Next
patient please.
New Age g4y Baby
Two g4y men decide to have a baby. They mix their sp3rm
together and have a surrogate mother artificially
inseminated with it. When the baby is born, they rush to the
hospital. A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are
crying and screaming. Over in the corner, one baby is
smiling serenely. A nurse comes by, and to the delight of
the g4y fathers, she points out the happy child as theirs.
“Isn’t it wonderful?” one g4y says to the other.
“All these unhappy babies.. and yet our baby is so happy.
This just proves the Superiority of g4y love!” The nurse
says, “Oh sure, he’s happy now but just watch what
happens,… When we pull the thermometer out of his ass!”
